Hey, wassup!!! I'm Albert, This is my site. Thanx for visiting. So... if you
never met me, I'm about 6'1", 175 lbs. of muscle that really isn't too noticable (unless you watch me work out), I'm Full
Blooded Italian. I love Rock music and I play the drums. I'm kinda in a band, but we don't play too often. I'm a big Yankee
fan, love all Adam Sandler movies and have made a few movies of my own. I'm currently off the market thanks to the cutest
girl in the world Ashley. I'm a big WWE fan and hope to actually wrestle at least one match one day. I'm currently enrolled
in CSI majoring in communications so I may be famous someday.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black
guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing
the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America
are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'"
LIFE EXPLAINED.
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support
the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, " That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said,
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking.
Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said,
"Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, " How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think so. Dog gave you back then, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleeep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy.
I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man.
Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog
gave back, and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do
nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years
we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the
last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.
Who is in charge??????????????
"I should be in charge" said the blood,
"because I circulate oxygen all over so
without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge, " said the
stomach," because I process food
and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge" said the legs,
"because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge" said the eyes,
"because I allow the body to
see where it goes."
"I should be in charge, "said the
rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the
rectum and insulted him, so in
a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible
headache,the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly, the eyes
got watery, and the blood was
toxic. They all decided that the rectum
should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge...
You know your from STATEN ISLAND when :
- The landfill is known as the dump.
- The Monastery and Sea View arent scary, just another place to drink.
- Theres a bakery in every town.
- You know never to walk alone in Stapleton at night if your a queer.
- After a night of clubbing you end up at Perkins.
- You remember when club drink was Cylo.
- At least someone on your block is in the mafia.
- You know never to walk on South Beaches sand with out Shoes.
- Youve seen Method Man in the Mall at least once.
- All the kids in the south shore have a gang.
- Youve played in the P.A.L. league or little league baseball/softball.
- Going to Tottenville is like going to jersey.
- There are more security guards in your school than there are kids.
- When you leave NY everyone thinks you have an accent, when really they do and they repeat everything you say and you
look at them like their stupid.-
- Its pronounced STATNILAN.
- Your block is like the United Nations.
- There is at least one pizzeria within 1 block of your house.
- You know where to find alcohol at 3 AM.
- You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City".
- Everybody knows somebody, even if it is your mother's cousin's son-in-law's sister's boyfriend.
- Stickball/Handball/Kickball/Dodgeball were the games of choice in School.
- Your High School Has a Handball team.
- All the girls wear a pound of makeup with pink or baby blue velour outfits.
- 1 Place , RALPHS ICES.
- Every Christmas you go to the house lighting in Great kills.
- 3 bottles of Gel only last you a week.
- On the ferry you know the bums by heart.
- You remember when in 98 you were told not to wear red or look at your watch to give the time because youd be stabbed
by a member of the bloods.
- Todt Hill is another wAay of saying mafia.
- Your shocks are shot because every 2 ft there are pot holes.
- Either youre or your best friends last name ends in a vowel.
- If your ghetto you refer to Staten Island as SHAOLIN.
- And finally you know your from Staten Island when you go to school dressed in: Boys - Black Velour with a white wife
beater (or tee), gold chain,white sneakers, and have a tape up with more gel than one bottle can hold.
Girls - Velour and or Club t-shirts, uptowns, earrings with your name in the middle and a necklace to match, a pound of
make up, and your orange from tanning almost everyday.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND DAMN-NEAR EVERYBODY
1. What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation.
A different bar.
3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?
A speech impediment. (That's Me!!)
5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office
is flying at half-mast?
They are going to be hiring.
6. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
7. What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep
under each arm?
A pimp.
8. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck
schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and
Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
9. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on
the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
10. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to
say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO".
11. What's the difference between a northern fairytale
and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....?"
12. My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When
100 white men chased 1 black man, we called it the Klu
Klux Klan; Today they call it the PGA TOUR!
13. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
YOU HAVE TO BE ITALIAN TO APPRECIATE THIS, OR AT LEAST BEEN IN THE COMPANY OF THEM!
Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY.
You know you're Italian when . . . you can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still
cry when your mother yells at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles
into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are
named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5'9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion. (?)
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:
Your grandfather had a fig tree.
You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00
Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
Your mom's meatballs are the best.
You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
Plastic on the furniture is normal.
You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella".
You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy".
You've called someone a "mamaluke".
And you understand "bada bing".
In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions
on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."(And that would be how???.....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????....)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if wecould Just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds
off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???.....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman...
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad
to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die,"
she wails.Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up
in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time. ...............No one moves................He
removes his shirt. ...............Muscles ripple across his chest.
...............She gasps..................He whispers:
"Iron this, and get me something to eat ......"
ADULT SEX QUIZ
1. What doesn't belong in this list?
> a. Meat
> b. Eggs
> c. Wife
> d. Blowjob
> Answer : blowjob You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
2. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
Answer: So men can be open minded.
3. What's the speed limit of sex?
Answer: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
4. What do a Rubik cube and a penis have in common?
Answer: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
5. What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
Answer: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
6. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
Answer: "Is it in?"
7. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
Answer: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
8. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
Answer: One of his fingers is clean.
9. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Answer. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
10. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
Answer: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
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